2019: A Year in Review

Author's note: My first few posts will be old pieces of writing! (This social media post included.) Any "past" piece will not be reviewed or re-edited because I want to spend my time revising current works instead of past pieces. While I recognize that my past (and probably current) writing contains mistakes, I hope that the research, themes, ideas, or opinions presented in my writing will spark others' interest and prompt them to conduct their own research and self-reflection!

Published via Facebook and Instagram 6 January 2020

What a year! I wish I could share all of my photos, it’s hard to summarize an entire year of laughter, growth, family time, and experiences. But I’ll try to do it in 9! (Each description corresponds to a picture/video.)

2019 began with an embrace from family. Ammon and Christie got married and we’ve loved getting to know the adorable and cheerful Burr family!

The next photo represents a very peaceful time in my life. Though finals were approaching, I felt prepared to test my knowledge of the semester. Furthermore, I was content with my life. I had re-evaluated my perception of learning opportunities and was able to access the joy and satisfaction that comes from pursuing knowledge. As I walked home and enjoyed the beauty surrounding me, I reflected on my blessings and hard work: I loved my classes. I had finally found a solid friend group. I had time for hobbies: playing the piano and soccer, and exercising. I was meeting new people and subjecting myself to growth opportunities through job applications and other experiences. My life gleamed, like the sunbeams in this photo, with possibilities and happiness.

However, my contentedness decreased as the semester ended and I returned to Oregon. I was thrilled to see my sisters, the rolling hills of Forest Grove, and local friends. But the transition was hard. I struggled to maintain the healthy habits I had developed in college. Having extensive church responsibilities and a job helped but I still struggled to be as productive as I was during school. Nevertheless, as demonstrated by this picture, my family was always there for me. Even when I didn’t share my struggles, or made foolish mistakes, their love remained unconditional.

There were many other moments of happiness. In May, we went to the beach for a quick weekend getaway, and I was ecstatic to be reunited with my wild Oregon coastline. Together with my family, I chased coral sunsets, ate giant cinnamon rolls at Camp 18, and wandered across the cool sand.

The fourth of July was a wonderful day. My summer work schedule was unpredictable and often prevented me from attending family events. I had to work on the fourth but was able to get the evening off. I remember rushing home and feeling so excited to spend the evening with my family. We ate a yummy and fresh meal together, teased Piper from the backyard swing, and watched the annual Forest Grove firework show.

In August, we took one last family trip to Leavenworth, Washington. We stayed in a cute cabin, situated in a beautiful valley. Each day as we drove down a rough old road into the valley, the setting sun reflected off the valley walls and road and turned everything a breathtaking shade of gold. And the beauty didn’t end at the base of the valley. As we drove across the floor, we were greeted by tall trees and luscious, deep green fields. Among other gorgeous hikes and excursions, we got to swim in Wenatchee Lake and wade through a river directly behind our cabin.

In November, I got to spend a few days with my family for Thanksgiving. We discovered an adorable little Christmas tree farm in Gales Creek. That day, the sun shone brightly, and I took lots of pictures of the pretty pine trees and surrounding hills. Though our time at the farm was brief, I was so grateful to breathe in the fresh Oregon air and participate in this special tradition with my family.

At the beginning of December, I got to go to a German Christmas festival with Ammon, Christie, and Christie’s siblings, Becky and Brian. It was a wonderful evening. We wandered through little streets with tiny booths on the sides, each advertising their homemade wares. Music and laughter drifted faintly through the air, and the light of the setting sun and Christmas lights combined magically.

2019 ended with family. Though my Christmas break was short, it was filled with joy and we created many new memories of music, adventures, and nature. I’m so grateful for each of my family members and the blessing of eternal families!

However, these photos fail to include the spiritual, emotional, and physical pain of 2019. I struggled in classes each semester. I applied for jobs in winter and summer but wasn’t accepted. I lost contact with friends. I experienced spiritual lows and highs and seriously struggled to extend enough energy to rely on God. I hesitated to create healthy boundaries with people and cried over damaged and failed relationships. I grappled with personality flaws and my stubbornness. I spent August incredibly ill and bedridden. I damaged a family car (hehe sorry Alexa). I snapped, I whined, I complained. I ignored spiritual promptings, I made foolish and selfish choices. I felt lonely, brokenhearted, scared, anxious, apathetic, and confused. There were many sleepless and tearful nights.

And despite this negativity and pain, this year has been beautiful. I’ve drawn closer to my Heavenly Father. I have gained a very personal testimony of my Savior’s Atonement. I’ve made new friends and strengthened relationships with others. I’ve learned how to set boundaries and surround myself with positive influences. I’ve joyfully discovered new hobbies and continued to try and develop myself. I’ve widened my career experience, accepted an internship, and progressed in my major. I’ve taken eye-opening classes and sought to apply their teachings to my life. I’ve read good books, written about my passions, and made music. Ultimately, the joy I feel and the growth I’ve experienced outweighs the poor choices and emotional pain that I’ve experienced in the past year.

However, this transformation only occurred because of my Heavenly Father. It took a lot of time. Conversion is not a simple, one-time task. I spent days on my knees, sobbing into clenched hands, begging desperately for peace and counsel. And I would receive some guidance. I did feel the Spirit. But during a particularly rough period of my life, I finally admitted that I wasn’t giving enough. The words of Saint Augustine, one of my favorite philosophers, accurately describe my situation: “I felt that I was still the captive of my sins, and in my misery I kept crying, ‘How long shall I go on saying ‘tomorrow, tomorrow’? Why not now? Why not make an end of my ugly sins at this moment?” I experienced this same realization while on my knees. And as I finally gave everything up to God, I felt peace.

The dismal clouds which had obscured my judgment, personality, and testimony for months began to disappear. I realized how unhappy and out of character I had been. For the first time in months, I felt actual, lasting joy. I felt more like myself. As we submit our will to God and humbly accept His timing, we can be transformed into our best selves--no matter how broken we may feel. There is always a way back! One of my favorite quotes says: “Everything works out in the end. And if it hasn't worked out yet, then it's not the end.” I have a testimony of this!

As I enter the new year, I look forward to another chance to renew my faith. To expand my capabilities, open my heart, and become a better person. With the beginning of this new year, I optimistically repeat: “if it hasn’t worked out yet, then it’s not the end.” And in the words of Elder Holland: “Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel [and Atonement] of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.” This new year, I encourage you all to keep walking forward and keep trying. Whatever you’ve been holding onto, give it up to God. Know that it will be alright! Trust in good things to come-- this may just be the year they arrive!